The Student News Site of Utica University

The Tangerine

The Student News Site of Utica University

The Tangerine

The Student News Site of Utica University

The Tangerine

After federal font crackdown, college newspaper announces major design changes


Kyle Riecker (Liar Cryker), Layout Editor

DISCLAIMER: What you are about to read is fake news. All of the events and characters are fictional.

The Tangerine announced a major overhaul to its layout design Friday, following news that as of April 1, all federal college newspaper font funding would be cut.

The funding cut completely wiped out the paper’s font purchasing ability, including ones in current use.

Clad in ski masks and body armor, The Federal Font Policing Bureau (FFPB) conducted a surprise raid on the college’s design lab Tuesday to repo the paper’s fonts. They made their entrance by smashing through the lab’s windows, swinging in on ropes and barrel rolling into the room.

Once the room was secured, the FFPB deleted the foreclosed fonts from all computers, then made a quick exit, flying off into the distance in black Apache helicopters.

“That seemed a little harsh, I wasn’t expecting such quick action by the federal government” said Sherry Listaword, faculty adviser to the Tangerine. “They could have at least knocked”.

As soon as the broken glass and shrapnel was swept up in the design lab, an emergency Tangerine staff meeting was called to order.

A rusty coffee can was passed around the table to raise donations for new fonts. A measly fifty two cents was collected. Consequently, the Tangerine could only afford to purchase one font: comic sans.

Listaword and the staff reluctantly agreed that The Tangerine would henceforth be known as The Sanserine, Utica College’s Sansiest News Source.

Comic sans is a jovial font, and is often used by snow birds to write heartfelt emails to their grandchildren in college, usually in a lovely shade of lilac. It’s also the go-to font for bake sale posters which take place daily in White Hall.

“The change in font style and new look of our paper will take some getting used to, but I feel with all of the negative news in the world today, comic sans will add a little cheer back into our paper” Listaword said, remaining optimistic. “I’m smiling a little on the inside just thinking about it!”

Not all of The Sanserine staff were as pleased about the change, though. Editor-in-Chief Jon McTrapperkeeper said he feels that comic sans is “an abomination”, and has no place in a professional newspaper. “If I were editing a magazine about kittens and rainbows for third-graders, then maybe it would fit- but this is just freaking ridiculous” he said.

Indeed, third graders would probably love the new layout, and its cheery font. They would giggle with delight at the first issue to include the change, whose front page features the internet’s most lovable pupper, the Shiba Sans Doge.

Research shows the average college students’ mental state is a few levels above third grade, however. The typical post-spring break student’s attention span and procrastination rates equal that of an eighth or ninth grader, the study said.

Selecting comic sans was a risky choice for the Sanserine. Hopefully it’s one that will pay off for the paper by tapping the audience of diehard comic sans lovers out there.

Hopefully, in eight years or less, the federal font budget will be restored.

“College news is important” Listaword said. “Unfortunately we need a POTUS that reads more than 140 characters at a time to realize this.”

Long live the APRIL FOOLS edition of the Tangerine, aka the SANSERINE!

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