After 18 years of having Trax the Moose as the mascot for Utica athletics and being known as the “Pioneers” for a very long time, Utica University has rebranded to the Utica Unicorns to fit the “UU” tradition.

This news comes just weeks after Utica University had to rebrand from Utica College. According to an email sent to the entire Utica University campus from the Office of President Bryonna Brownie, Utica University has decided to finally have a mascot that actually makes sense.

“After having a long and boring Zoom meeting with VP Willie Williamson, Athletic Director Buster Brooks and Sports Information Director Juniper Jabberwock, we have decided that it’s time to ditch Trax and get back on track with a name that makes sense,” Brownie said. “Unicorns will represent how magical the UU really is and how everyone’s hopes and dreams are reborn here. Also, we honestly couldn’t think of any animals that started with a ‘U,’ so this will do for UU.”

All students on campus have accepted the rebrand with open arms, as Utica University gave them no other options. Any member of the campus community would be barred from the campus if they did not accept Utica Unicorns. 

“I am totally happy for this change and I love Unicorns,” said Ulysses Ukase, President of Utica University Unicorns Unite (UUUU). “Unicorns actually makes sense unlike Pioneers and Moose. What even is a Pioneer? What even is a Moose? I have never seen either before and I know they don’t go together.”

In his last day as mascot, Trax the Moose released a statement that touched many of the hearts around Utica University. In his message, Trax said he was happy to be the mascot for as long as a real moose’s lifespan is. He also noted that he will not be leaving the campus anytime soon.

“My dearest herd, I write to you in sadness as I, Trax the Moose, will no longer represent Utica University as the mascot for the newly named UU,” Trax said. “U and I know UU is meant to be and U know I know that U know that I will accept this change, even if it hurts me and my antlers. Thank U, UU, for being U, and thank U, Utica University campus, for allowing me to stay and reside in the SLCE office as my forever home.”

Both UU Athletic Director Buster Brooks and UU Sports Information Director Juniper Jabberwock said they are both undoubtedly excited for this change, since they can finally represent something that makes sense.

“This was the best idea I think we have ever had at the UU, and I believe making Uni Unicorn orange and blue will make a little more sense than having a moose as our mascot,” Brooks said. “I can’t wait to have the best mascot in the Empire 8, the UCHC and the CWPA,” Jabberwock added.

The Utica University Unicorns’ unknowing universal uncut impact uniquely and ultracarefully unites ubiquitousness under ufology and understanding.

This story is 100% not real and was published as a part of The Clemenlime on April 1.