After 27 years of functioning with an independent charter and 16 years of being fully independent from Syracuse University, Utica University has failed to meet its university requirement and has returned to not only Utica College, but ownership has been returned to Syracuse University as well.

Since the middle of February during the Spring 2022 semester, Utica University, now Utica College of Syracuse University (again) has been functioning under the distinction of University. Unfortunately for UU/UC/UCOSU, they could not maintain the levels of being regarded as a university in New York State.

According to President Bryonna Brownie, this takeover caught the entire Utica community off guard, almost as much as the news of the school rebranding in the middle semester did to everyone who didn’t know that the school was not a part of Syracuse University since 2008.

“I was just sitting in my office and all of a sudden Otto the Orange came with a lasso and started chasing Trax,” Brownie said. “After I snapped the photo for evidence, Otto the Orange looked me dead in the eyes and said ‘You better lawyer up butthole, cause I’m not coming back for 30%, I’m coming back for everything.’ I thought I recognized what Otto said from some movie, but after searching Facebook, I still couldn’t find it.”

Syracuse University President Alex Windchill said he didn’t really feel bad that himself and SU regained ownership of Utica University/Utica College. He was excited because there were certain sports teams that UU/UC had that SU did not have.

“Although I feel bad for Brownie, I also don’t because now the ACC and SU have new sports teams that will likely win championships,” Windchill said. “Utica’s Underwater Stock Car Racing team, Ice Hockey, Baseball, Tennis, Softball, Swim & Dive and Water Polo are all teams we don’t have at SU. Now, we do, and I am super excited.”

After anticipating degrees that would say Utica University, students will now receive degrees that read “Utica College of Syracuse University,” like people over 15 years ago. In efforts to make more money, Utica College of Syracuse University has decided that alumni of the school can purchase diplomas that say either “Utica University” or “Utica College” for just $99. 

“We know people loved when we were independent, so we decided to do a sale on our diplomas that read either ‘Utica University’ or ‘Utica College,’” VP Willie Williamson said. “This is most definitely a sale because instead of the original $100 we were charging, we are now charging $99 in efforts that more than 75 people buy this.”

It is unknown how long Syracuse University will have ownership over Utica University/Utica College, but be certain that members of The Clemenlime will be the first to break the news if something happens.

This story is 100% not real and was published as a part of The Clemenlime on April 1.